Monday, September 17, 2012


What do you see when you look into the mirror? Is it a true reflection? Or is ­­­it flawed? Is it wrong to look in the mirror and only see flaws that you wish you could change? Is it wrong to dislike so much about yourself that you can’t see anything good? Is it wrong to wake up every morning wishing you were someone, something, else? Not that it would matter what you were, just as long as you weren’t yourself.

Sometimes I try to imagine my life differently. Imagine if the painful things were taken away. Imagine that life was more typical. It’s not that I hate my life, it’s that I feel wrong for enjoying it. I feel like I’m a sinning every time I’m happy with myself.
 I wonder how many people understand what it’s like to walk through life with the stigma that they are wrong. How many people wake up every morning trying to find a reason to keep on going.
I always say that my reason for getting up every morning is that I don’t want to hurt people that I love, that there is a plan through all this mess.  But every so often I actually have to think about why I keep on going.
 Just recently I had one of these moments. Just out of the blue a thought popped into my head, slid through my thoughts and stuck to my brain. Why am I putting up with all of this shit when I could end it all so easily? This time I couldn’t just recite my mantra, I could pacify my turmoil with a good, well-phrased phrase. I was just struck with this empty confusion, a black hole of despair. I have no reason to push ahead, nothing to persuade me to fight on. Except that suicide is considered the unpardonable sin.  
And what kind of reason is that? I mean I’m gay. According to popular Christian belief I’m already doomed. There is no pardon for me now. I’ve considered suicide; it’s a notion that floats around me constantly. I’m gay. Two horrendous sins in one person.
But I’m off track. Like I said sometime I try to imagine what life would like if things were different. I have two options. One is a different life, where I could be myself, where I could love who I wanted to, where I didn’t fear being hated just for doing what comes naturally to me.  A life free of guarding how high my voice goes, or rethinking who I talk to, or turning of my emotions and letting people say whatever they want, letting them treat me however they desire, because cruel friends are still friends right? This life I imagine isn’t perfect but it’s freer than where I am now.
The other life I imagine is very similar to this one, but with a few major alterations. I would be straight, masculine, and manly. I would blend into the crowd, I wouldn’t stand out. I wouldn’t be disappointing my parents, my professors. I would make people awkward by how I act, how I dress. I wouldn’t be the outsider anymore.
The only thing similar with the two lives I imagine is both come with a sacrifice. In order for the first life to come true I would have to sacrifice what people think of me. I would have to leave everything behind and re-create my life on my own. It would mean that I would be completely alone. The second life requires I sacrifice who I am. Not just my sexuality but everything that defines the person that I am. Both require me cutting off a part of me, both require pain. Both are impossible in the state I am in now.
So like I said, is it wrong to look in the mirror and see nothing but flaws? Is it wrong to wish your life was completely different? Is it wrong to hate yourself completely?
Because I do. 


  1. Hello Shane. I was made aware of your blog indirectly via another blog for men wearing high heels. I was saddened to read this latest post of yours. It seems you are very depressed and unhappy with your life/preferences to the point of suicide considerations. Although suicide is not "the" unpardonable sin, it certainly would not help you any!

    It sounds like you are feeling a lot of guilt do to either your own personal beliefs or the influence of the beliefs of others (family or friends). As a result you feel depressed with no hope no matter which way you turn. I have studied many years and cannot lie to you, if you are homosexual and do not repent (turn away) then you will not be saved from the second death. I am not here to condemn you for we are all condemned as we all have sinned and fallen short of HIM the Creator, YAHUAH the Father. The only thing that can reconcile us or redeem us is a sacrifice of blood. That is what His Son, Yahusha did and if we believe in Him, what He did and keep His commandments, we shall be saved of the second death living eternal life in His Kingdom. You might be confused with these names as most refer to the Creator as simply "God" and His Son as "Jesus" but these are not their real names. I have been studying some of the original writings and language to find the true names.

    I invite you to ask yourself why you identify as a homosexual. Life IS about sacrifice as much as we would like to think otherwise. We have to sacrifice ourselves daily to do what is right. It is an uphill battle but with Him we can do it. Please keep in mind, life is not about pleasing or getting acceptance from other people whether family, friends or strangers. They are fallen and sinful just like us. We are only accountable to our Creator Yahuah. He is perfect. So do not worry what men thinks, worry about what He who is able to kill and cast the body into the grave thinks.

    I would love to talk with you more to try to help if you would like. I had my own struggles in life as well and can relate.

  2. Dear AHaron,

    Thank you for the comment. Just to clarify I am not suicidal. I may think about it sometimes, consider my options, but I am not in risk of ending my life. I talk about suicide because it's a subject that is often to romantised by society and I want to keep the real gritty meaning in my head. This post was a reflection of my angst.
    Truely I am unhappy with my life at this point, not because of my sexual identity but because I am forced to supress it in my community. Although this will change, my post just reflects the here and now.

    As for why I identify as a homosexual. How does anyone indeitify their sexuality? Sexuality is fluid and yes it does change but we can't force that change. I identify as a homosexual because I am attracted to men and only men. I don't think that homosexuality is sinful if one commits to a monogamous relationship, centered around their mutual faith and follows the standard for marriage that is typically attached to straight relationships. I don't feel as if I'm sinning with my life, I don't feel God's disproval in my life, but I feel that I have to change who I am to fit in. And since I won't do that, I am outcast.

    Once again thank you for your comment and I hope my reply makes sense.