What do you see when you look into the mirror? Is it a true reflection? Or is it flawed? Is it wrong to look in the mirror and only see flaws that you wish you could change? Is it wrong to dislike so much about yourself that you can’t see anything good? Is it wrong to wake up every morning wishing you were someone, something, else? Not that it would matter what you were, just as long as you weren’t yourself.
Sometimes I try to imagine my life differently. Imagine if the painful things were taken away. Imagine that life was more typical. It’s not that I hate my life, it’s that I feel wrong for enjoying it. I feel like I’m a sinning every time I’m happy with myself.
I wonder how many people understand what it’s like to walk through life with the stigma that they are wrong. How many people wake up every morning trying to find a reason to keep on going.
I always say that my reason for getting up every morning is that I don’t want to hurt people that I love, that there is a plan through all this mess. But every so often I actually have to think about why I keep on going.
Just recently I had one of these moments. Just out of the blue a thought popped into my head, slid through my thoughts and stuck to my brain. Why am I putting up with all of this shit when I could end it all so easily? This time I couldn’t just recite my mantra, I could pacify my turmoil with a good, well-phrased phrase. I was just struck with this empty confusion, a black hole of despair. I have no reason to push ahead, nothing to persuade me to fight on. Except that suicide is considered the unpardonable sin.
And what kind of reason is that? I mean I’m gay. According to popular Christian belief I’m already doomed. There is no pardon for me now. I’ve considered suicide; it’s a notion that floats around me constantly. I’m gay. Two horrendous sins in one person.
But I’m off track. Like I said sometime I try to imagine what life would like if things were different. I have two options. One is a different life, where I could be myself, where I could love who I wanted to, where I didn’t fear being hated just for doing what comes naturally to me. A life free of guarding how high my voice goes, or rethinking who I talk to, or turning of my emotions and letting people say whatever they want, letting them treat me however they desire, because cruel friends are still friends right? This life I imagine isn’t perfect but it’s freer than where I am now.
The other life I imagine is very similar to this one, but with a few major alterations. I would be straight, masculine, and manly. I would blend into the crowd, I wouldn’t stand out. I wouldn’t be disappointing my parents, my professors. I would make people awkward by how I act, how I dress. I wouldn’t be the outsider anymore.
The only thing similar with the two lives I imagine is both come with a sacrifice. In order for the first life to come true I would have to sacrifice what people think of me. I would have to leave everything behind and re-create my life on my own. It would mean that I would be completely alone. The second life requires I sacrifice who I am. Not just my sexuality but everything that defines the person that I am. Both require me cutting off a part of me, both require pain. Both are impossible in the state I am in now.
So like I said, is it wrong to look in the mirror and see nothing but flaws? Is it wrong to wish your life was completely different? Is it wrong to hate yourself completely?
Because I do.